affirmation

My latest goal in life is to prepare fully balanced meals.

Wow, that was quite housewife of me. They're going to revoke my Feminist card. [At least The Boss will be pleased.]

When I first got married, I was barely able to get a sufficiently cooked protein on the plate, but I am now feeling like its important to have side dishes and bread thrown into the mix. I have been a bit cocky about this lately. When Husband and I sit down to plates that are full of three or four different food items, I have been known to say things like, "I am so glad I can feed you so well. Aren't you glad you married me? I am basically awesome."

[PLEASE remember before you judge me that I never cooked a day in my life until right before I got married and I still break out into hives when making something for the first time. Don't you remember this little debacle? And this one?]

The only problem with this is that Husband likes very few vegetables that are traditionally used for side items. He does not like corn. He does not like squash. Besides vegetables, I have only ever used rice as a side item, and guess what he REALLY doesn't like? Yeah. Rice. I am basically limited to potatoes and salad. That's it.

About a week ago, I thought I would give green beans a try. BAH! While he took a generous portion, Husband ate about 2.5 green beans. After dinner, I called him out about it.

"Wow, so no green beans, huh?"

"Yeah..... green beans are gross."

I think he noticed my crestfallen expression at my failure to provide acceptable side items because he immediately grabbed my butt and said, "YOUR green beans were delicious."

[Smirk.]

brown bag

I may have mentioned a time or two that I am a penny-pincher. I actually don't think there is a word in the English language to describe my intense desire to save money. I never buy anything that isn't absolutely necessary. I don't buy clothing for myself unless I absolutely need it for a specific purpose; why do so when you can get clothing for Christmas from your parents? When it comes to groceries, I buy necessities--as in, what is needed to sustain life--only. I never bought anything like cookies or ice cream, which I consider superfluous and indulgent, until I married Husband, the consummate sweet tooth. There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to save a few bucks.

If you know Husband and I, you know that this creates.... tension... between us at times. Husband is much more well-adjusted when it comes to money. He doesn't consider buying ice cream a crime, and he isn't racked with guilt when he goes out to eat. He also tends to make purchases that I don't quite understand. (Did you NEED that shirt? Were you told to buy it for work? Are you performing with a doo-wop group that calls for some kind of uniform? WHAT WAS THE SPECIFIC REASON FOR BUYING THE SHIRT?)

I tend to lose my mind most frequently over the fact that we eat out so much. Husband and I LOVE to go out for dinner, which can be rather costly. On a given weekend, we may eat out Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. In addition, Husband tends to buy lunch every day of the week. Admit it, even for you normal people, that seems like a lot. To me it is MADNESS.

Husband has always said (at least for the past year or so) that he would eat a sandwich for lunch every day if I would pack it for him. Pack you own sandwich, I would retort. And so, the sandwich would go unmade, and another $7 would be spent that day on lunch. ($7 A DAY! FIVE DAYS A WEEK! I am hyperventilating just describing it.) Every few weeks, when I have my regular panic attack about the money we spend eating out, Husband reminds me that really, its my own fault that he eats out for lunch because if I would make him a bag lunch, he would eat it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, two weeks ago, I finally got over my aversion to the "make my lunch for me" idea in favor of saving money. I bought all the lunch meat, chips, and cookies (of course) needed to feed Husband for the week, and every morning, he wakes me up (usually by screaming "SANDWICH!") so I can feel like we are saving money. He has even taken to taunting me in the morning, a la "I'm about leave! You better make me lunch or I will be forced to go out! Probably somewhere expensive!"

(Have we discussed the fact that Husband lists among his hobbies Getting a Rise Out of My Wife?)

Anyway, this morning, I was gently awoken with a kiss on my forehead and a whispered goodbye. Darting out of bed, I cried out in my coffee-less morning stupor, "LUNCH! I GOT IT! GIVE ME TWO MINUTES!"

"I'm leaving."

"But... lunch!?"

"I'm on my way out the door."

"NO! Lunch!"

Patting my arm, he says, nonchalantly, "Oh, I made my own lunch."

If I didn't know my granny reads this (hi!), I would say that THAT is the language that can get a man lucky.

I commenced with cooing and petting and telling him how I proud I was. He just kissed me again and headed for the car. As I laid back down in the glow of marital bliss, I heard him call from the door,

"Just this once."

pillow negotiations

So, Husband and I have been fighting lately over a pillow.

Husband is ridiculously particular about his pillows. I have already taken him to Bed, Bath & Beyond TWICE to buy him a new pillow because something was wrong with the last one we purchased. Each time, he tries to convince me that I was the one who talked him into buying the last, obviously inadequate, pillow. He didn't want that pillow; I MADE him buy that pillow. Thus, he needs a new pillow of his own choosing.

About ten days ago, I realized that neck was really hurting. After a little sleuthing, I noticed that Husband had switched our pillows. Generally, I prefer a solid pillow with lots of neck support, while Husband has always purchased softer pillows. Apparently, I had been sleeping for a few days on the flat pillow that Husband had suddenly disregarded. When confronted, Husband resorted to his usual tactics.

"My pillow is HORRIBLE."

"We JUST bought that pillow for you a few months ago! Don't you remember? We spent like an hour in there while you tried out EVERY SINGLE PILLOW THEY HAD. You chose that pillow and would not hear of any other pillow. WE BOUGHT THE EXPENSIVE PILLOW. You have to live with your choice."

"But I hate it."

Naturally, I beat Husband with the pillow a little bit, then took it back.

However, the next night, Husband accused ME of stealing HIS pillow.

"Give me my pillow."

"I'm sorry, are you asking if you can use MY pillow?"

"I'm saying you need to give me MY pillow back."

"MY NECK IS SORE. I CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOUR PANCAKE PILLOW."

Some friendly pillowfighting commenced, but I managed to sleep with my own pillow that night. Since then, a subtle pillow conspiracy has been unfolding in our house. The pillow migrates to various locations as we each try to steal it without the other noticing. I have resorted to swapping other pillows from the guestroom or taking pillows out of shams in a desperate attempt to keep my beloved pillow, but I have a feeling Husband still has a few tricks up his sleeve. All I can say is that if we are coming over, hide any and all bedding you want to keep. I think he would snatch a friend's pillow before asking his tightwad wife to buy him yet another pillow.